thus making me awesome and them whores
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
