i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
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