Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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