I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
In other news, I just burned my penis
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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