Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
