I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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