They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Randomize