Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
