walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I deserve this hangover.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
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