I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Randomize