I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
