I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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