who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
