I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
