the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
