I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
