I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
