I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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