these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
