I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
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