I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
