I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
