Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize