Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
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