I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
