My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
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