dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
