Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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