Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Randomize
