sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He kissed a someone with a penis
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Randomize