did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Randomize
