I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I think my moral compass just broke
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize