you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
