I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
Randomize
