Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize
