well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
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