Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
