I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
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