i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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