Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
