why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
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