Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
