I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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