1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
Randomize
