he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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