So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
Quick, to the slutcave!
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
