i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
