yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
