nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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