Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
