you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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