At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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