My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize