The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
