My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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