Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
