so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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