if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
