The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
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