if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I still have a little drunk in my system
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
