i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Randomize